The Balancing Act

It might have been a year since my last post, but for the sake of tying everything together, I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. Rather than having SO much to do and so much to plan for, it's really the opposite - it's the fact that I seem to be floundering while trying to balance what I've got.

Granted, I've been feeling so much better now than I have in past weeks. Those were ROUGH, man. Somehow all at once work just became totally overwhelming, I was overcome by the suffocation of my routine - by the fact that NOTHING that I do in a single day matters at all, that no matter how hard I work, I'll only have to wash, rinse, repeat the very same thing the next day. The enthusiasm that I felt while working in Oceanside was squashed in its entirety by the management there, and I never thought I would miss my co-workers quite so much.

In fact, in my previous entry, after the monster of a day I was having - I received a phone call from Kristal inviting me out for a farewell bite to eat with her and Alison, another former co-worker. What I got that night was so much more than I ever dreamed of. I showed up at our store, and there was EVERYBODY. All my co-workers, past and present, with balloons and food, popping out of the corners, yelling SURPRISE! ...I never thought for a second that I would ever have a surprise party. I never had enough friends - not that that was a bad thing, but. Wow, was I wrong. I had a dozen friends that I worked with every day. How we listened to each other, and learned from each other every single day on the job. And THAT was something I never thought I would be without.

To each and every one of you, my O-Side S-Bux family, I love you in ways I never thought I could. If I could bring you all here to work with me, I would do it in a heartbeat! You really showed me that all of the hard work I put in, and all of the time I spent in that store wasn't wasted like I thought. I feel validated by all of you. I feel appreciated.

...Which is precisely why I've been so down about work here. I feel this overwhelming need to make a difference - to ACHIEVE something. And all I do here is waste my time. I exhaust myself, and can't even keep up with housework, because I can't stand to be on my feet for another five minutes. My mother has made it abundantly clear to me that I have terrible varicose vein problems just waiting to manifest themselves - I should be wearing compression stockings, and honestly shouldn't even spend the day on my feet at all, but you know, what are you gonna do?

So, several months ago I took a class with Troy's mother (and one of my best friends) Debbie, so that we could get a grip on what careers would make us both happier than the ones we're suffering in now. She has a passion to work with animals... and I guess so do I, because every sign pointed to me becoming an elementary school teacher! Heh.

And yes, it's something that I've thought of since I was a little kid.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A teacher!"
The same way that I decided when I was in kindergarten that I was going to attend Hofstra University, because I wanted to stay home for college. I loved my family too much to go away.

It makes sense to me on a deeper level than "your first answer is probably the correct one, no matter how many times you try to overthink it." One of my favorite parts about being a Barista was being a Certified Learning Coach for the new ones. I wanted them to feel comfortable in a way that I didn't when I first started. I love explaining things to people - whether it be the things that I've learned in my philosophical studies, Warcraft, or teaching my mom for the 10,000th time how to check her e-mail (sorry for ratting you out, mom!)

I'm inclined to believe that I love kids. The time I spent with Kaitlyn's cousins Gina and Amanda was so much time well spent. I like to believe it's because I'm just as silly as they are. Inside my own head I feel so much like a kid, that I'll know how to respect them and treat them as real people who count. I'd like to meet them on THEIR own level. But classic Liz, I feel like I haven't had enough experience with kids to know for sure whether or not I'll ever have any control over them at all.

It all comes down to fear - fear of change, fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. It's more than just Putting myself out there emotionally to be disappointed, but if I wind up going back to school, it's putting myself out there financially, too. I don't want to put that sort of burden onto Troy. I also don't want to be an emotional burden to him, either - because I'm going to need so much support in going through this while he is going through his own changes, too. It just feels like everything is at the wrong place at the wrong time... but is it, really? Is that just another one of my own excuses?

Anyway, things need to change. I've been baking lately, and that's something that occupies my mind enough to not feel like a total bump on a log once I get home. I just need to engage myself. I need to break free from routine in one way or another, or I swear I'm going to lose my mind. Moving into the house will be a great fresh start... I just need to prep myself so I can make the most of it.

Saying Goodbye Sucks

Today was my second to last day of work, tomorrow being the grand finale. I'm really bummed right now =\

I got to say goodbye to all my favorite morning customers, and tomorrow I'll get to say goodbye to all the evening ones... it's really staggering when it comes down to saying you're going to leave for good, how many people step up to say nice things to you. How it's been an honor to know me, and good luck, and god bless, and that I was such a sweet girl. Those little things mean a lot to me, coming from strangers. Saying goodbye to my co-workers feels surreal. They're like family to me, too... I get all weepy when I say goodbye to any of them.

It's going to be really hard to leave. Really really hard. I had a rough time saying goodbye to people I probably wouldn't miss otherwise, and it's only going to get harder once I have to walk away from people who I really don't want to part with. Everyone will, of course, still be a part of my life... and I will come back and visit often, but it's just not the same. People don't want me to go, and I don't want to leave them. It's at those times when it's hard to see the reasons why you thought it'd be a good idea to leave in the first place.

And by the way, I never thought I'd be so thankful that Kaitlyn left the state before I did. Because if she were still here, and I had to leave her on top of everybody else, this hurt would be completely intolerable.

I'm so looking forward to the new things ahead of me, but it's going to take a while before I feel this weight lift from me. It took several mopey miserable days each time I left Wisconsin to feel human again, and this is just going to be exponentially more brutal... I just hope that I have enough tasks to occupy me that I can get a grip on myself and not let that sadness take over. I have a lot of positive energies coming with me, I'm not going to have to worry about having a good life or not. But I'm just sad right now, and it's hard to see through things like this while you're in the middle of it. Meh.

#20: A Cursory Glance

Of course, everybody is asking me what my new place looks like, and I rarely respond with anything more specific than "EMPTY!"
I'll have better pictures when the place actually belongs to me, but these quick little shots will have to do - I took them merely for my own self-reference while I was hopping from showing to showing, which is what the trip literally amounted to. One showing, and then this one - And it was just too awesome to pass up, especially for the price. These pictures were taken just to jog my memory in the event that I was batting between two apartments and couldn't remember which one was nicer. But the first one was shit, and the other ones were in a lousy part of town, or too expensive - so Troy and I wound up driving a couple of blocks away before thinking better of it, and driving right back to sign my lease. SO ENOUGH TALK. Here are the only pictures of my future place that I have!

Unceremonius Resurrection

It is with no great fanfare, and no fantastic revelation that I am coaxed out of hiding and back into the slightly blurry world outside of my self-imposed exile. Yes, eyes squinting once more from the glare of public scrutiny, I feel I'm at a point where I'm mature enough to censor those thoughts which belong in my paperback journal, and reveal those which will ultimately reveal to others just what makes life as I currently know it - Tick.

At this landmark in my life where do-overs end and real life begins, I invite whomever is interested to follow along with the sometimes pointless, sometimes meandering train of my daily thought.

So what do you say? Care to join me on the long walk off a short pier?